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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your protest against the use of water cannons, tear gas, and rubber bullets to subdue unruly activists will succeed when riot-police officers simply kick the living shit out of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to better market yourself will have lifelong repercussions after an ill-advised promotional giveaway off of Route 39.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Standing before the statues of its once-great leaders, you will marvel at the colossal feats of Ancient Greece, amazed that an entire civilization of amputees was able to achieve so much.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you've managed to get away with it for years, your hectic schedule of burning the town at both ends will soon catch up to you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As a writer you've struggled to capture the essence of Gary, Indiana, but as a perfume maker it's been a walk in the park.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While the music will make your body move, it's the dance club's strobe lights that will make your body groove.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Years of training as a Boy Scout will lead you to escort an elderly woman across the street and take sexual advantage of her defenseless body in a nearby alleyway.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll realize you've lost touch with today's youth when members of your own family start referring to you as "Grandpa."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll dodge a bullet this week when a shotgun slug is fired into your abdomen, piercing both kidneys, shredding your lower intestine, pancreas, and spleen, and puncturing your right lung, before miraculously missing your heart by mere centimeters.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be singled out among many worthy candidates for your eye-catching looks, unmistakable presence and the fact that you murdered a homeless man in the early hours of Sept. 19.
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