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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your protest against the use of water cannons, tear gas, and rubber bullets to subdue unruly activists will succeed when riot-police officers simply kick the living shit out of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to better market yourself will have lifelong repercussions after an ill-advised promotional giveaway off of Route 39.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Standing before the statues of its once-great leaders, you will marvel at the colossal feats of Ancient Greece, amazed that an entire civilization of amputees was able to achieve so much.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you've managed to get away with it for years, your hectic schedule of burning the town at both ends will soon catch up to you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As a writer you've struggled to capture the essence of Gary, Indiana, but as a perfume maker it's been a walk in the park.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While the music will make your body move, it's the dance club's strobe lights that will make your body groove.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Years of training as a Boy Scout will lead you to escort an elderly woman across the street and take sexual advantage of her defenseless body in a nearby alleyway.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll realize you've lost touch with today's youth when members of your own family start referring to you as "Grandpa."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll dodge a bullet this week when a shotgun slug is fired into your abdomen, piercing both kidneys, shredding your lower intestine, pancreas, and spleen, and puncturing your right lung, before miraculously missing your heart by mere centimeters.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be singled out among many worthy candidates for your eye-catching looks, unmistakable presence and the fact that you murdered a homeless man in the early hours of Sept. 19.

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