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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your protest against the use of water cannons, tear gas, and rubber bullets to subdue unruly activists will succeed when riot-police officers simply kick the living shit out of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to better market yourself will have lifelong repercussions after an ill-advised promotional giveaway off of Route 39.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Standing before the statues of its once-great leaders, you will marvel at the colossal feats of Ancient Greece, amazed that an entire civilization of amputees was able to achieve so much.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you've managed to get away with it for years, your hectic schedule of burning the town at both ends will soon catch up to you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As a writer you've struggled to capture the essence of Gary, Indiana, but as a perfume maker it's been a walk in the park.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While the music will make your body move, it's the dance club's strobe lights that will make your body groove.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Years of training as a Boy Scout will lead you to escort an elderly woman across the street and take sexual advantage of her defenseless body in a nearby alleyway.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll realize you've lost touch with today's youth when members of your own family start referring to you as "Grandpa."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll dodge a bullet this week when a shotgun slug is fired into your abdomen, piercing both kidneys, shredding your lower intestine, pancreas, and spleen, and puncturing your right lung, before miraculously missing your heart by mere centimeters.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be singled out among many worthy candidates for your eye-catching looks, unmistakable presence and the fact that you murdered a homeless man in the early hours of Sept. 19.


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