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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your repeated cries for help will be drowned out this week by a 300-pound man, a coarse length of rope, and a metal basin filled with water.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While everyone expresses affection in their own unique way, your approach of communicating it through plainspoken words and genuine sentiment is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Unlike everything else in your life, you will take news this week of your skyrocketing cholesterol levels with a grain of salt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never stood in the way of stem-cell research, and you never will, after next week's car wreck.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it’s been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you’ll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The innocence and purity of children will teach you a valuable lesson this week about your state's age-of-consent laws.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a month of worry, you'll be mistakenly relieved this week after hearing that all your medical tests came out positive.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you'll ultimately lose after 30 hard-fought minutes, many will remember you as "the man who brought out the very best in those defibrillators."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    For the fifth straight night, you'll have that recurring sleep in which you crawl into bed around 11 p.m., turn off the lights, and wake up the next morning feeling rested and refreshed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll fail to appreciate the reunion of caustic pranksters The Jerky Boys during this Thursday's 20-minute impromptu phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Repeated miscarriages, while emotionally devastating, will leave you with an extensive backlog of dozens of beautiful baby names.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite its many promotional offers and money-saving bargains, part of you just doesn't want to belong to any Sam's Club that would have you as a member.

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