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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your repeated cries for help will be drowned out this week by a 300-pound man, a coarse length of rope, and a metal basin filled with water.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While everyone expresses affection in their own unique way, your approach of communicating it through plainspoken words and genuine sentiment is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Unlike everything else in your life, you will take news this week of your skyrocketing cholesterol levels with a grain of salt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never stood in the way of stem-cell research, and you never will, after next week's car wreck.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it’s been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you’ll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The innocence and purity of children will teach you a valuable lesson this week about your state's age-of-consent laws.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a month of worry, you'll be mistakenly relieved this week after hearing that all your medical tests came out positive.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you'll ultimately lose after 30 hard-fought minutes, many will remember you as "the man who brought out the very best in those defibrillators."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    For the fifth straight night, you'll have that recurring sleep in which you crawl into bed around 11 p.m., turn off the lights, and wake up the next morning feeling rested and refreshed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll fail to appreciate the reunion of caustic pranksters The Jerky Boys during this Thursday's 20-minute impromptu phone call.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Repeated miscarriages, while emotionally devastating, will leave you with an extensive backlog of dozens of beautiful baby names.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite its many promotional offers and money-saving bargains, part of you just doesn't want to belong to any Sam's Club that would have you as a member.


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