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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.
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