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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.

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