Your Horoscope

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Vol 42 Issue 43

Science Disproves Vampires

Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has devised a simple mathematical proof stating that vampires cannot exist. What do you think?

Door Open for NJ Gay Marriage

The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that gay couples were entitled to the same rights as heterosexuals, leaving the door open for gay marriage. What...

‘Stay The Course’ No More

According to reports, the Bush Administration will no longer use the phrase ‘stay the course’ when talking about the war in Iraq. What do...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.
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