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Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Days after the plane crash, surrounded by the skeletal remains of hundreds of former passengers, you'll be overcome by a phenomenon known as "survivor's indigestion."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone brags about their kids, but remember, the law named after your daughter has only been adopted in 48 out of 50 states.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Apple Computer will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As grim as the situation may at first appear, the death toll will be surprisingly low after a school bus runs head-on into a local bloodmobile this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Skeptic James Randi will award you a check for $1,000,000 next week, after you are observed thoroughly enjoying that new Brad Garrett sitcom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They can take your wife, they can even take away your children, but they're going to need a much bigger hearse to do it all at once.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your 25-year high school reunion this week will reveal how little the Class of '83, and its bitter struggle with math, has changed over time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Friends will once again claim this week that you should've been born during a different time, particularly one where pregnant women weren't ingesting Thalidomide as frequently.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius apologizes for the last couple of weeks, man... it's just that it's been so busy and all lately. Anyway, um, horoscope... um, you'll have a heart attack. Shit. Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The dismal opening-night receipts of Taco Gorillas From Outer Space will teach you an important lesson about composing operettas while stoned.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will bury yourself in your work this week, which would not be a problem if you weren't a gravedigger.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A race war will break out in the deepest dark of night, giving one side the definite upper hand.


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