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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Days after the plane crash, surrounded by the skeletal remains of hundreds of former passengers, you'll be overcome by a phenomenon known as "survivor's indigestion."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone brags about their kids, but remember, the law named after your daughter has only been adopted in 48 out of 50 states.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Apple Computer will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As grim as the situation may at first appear, the death toll will be surprisingly low after a school bus runs head-on into a local bloodmobile this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Skeptic James Randi will award you a check for $1,000,000 next week, after you are observed thoroughly enjoying that new Brad Garrett sitcom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They can take your wife, they can even take away your children, but they're going to need a much bigger hearse to do it all at once.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your 25-year high school reunion this week will reveal how little the Class of '83, and its bitter struggle with math, has changed over time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Friends will once again claim this week that you should've been born during a different time, particularly one where pregnant women weren't ingesting Thalidomide as frequently.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius apologizes for the last couple of weeks, man... it's just that it's been so busy and all lately. Anyway, um, horoscope... um, you'll have a heart attack. Shit. Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The dismal opening-night receipts of Taco Gorillas From Outer Space will teach you an important lesson about composing operettas while stoned.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will bury yourself in your work this week, which would not be a problem if you weren't a gravedigger.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A race war will break out in the deepest dark of night, giving one side the definite upper hand.

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