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Vol 42 Issue 44

Smoking Ads Ineffective

According to the American Journal of Public Health, children age 12-17 had stronger intentions to smoke more after viewing ads encouraging parents to...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Days after the plane crash, surrounded by the skeletal remains of hundreds of former passengers, you'll be overcome by a phenomenon known as "survivor's indigestion."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Everyone brags about their kids, but remember, the law named after your daughter has only been adopted in 48 out of 50 states.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Apple Computer will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    As grim as the situation may at first appear, the death toll will be surprisingly low after a school bus runs head-on into a local bloodmobile this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Skeptic James Randi will award you a check for $1,000,000 next week, after you are observed thoroughly enjoying that new Brad Garrett sitcom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    They can take your wife, they can even take away your children, but they're going to need a much bigger hearse to do it all at once.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your 25-year high school reunion this week will reveal how little the Class of '83, and its bitter struggle with math, has changed over time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Friends will once again claim this week that you should've been born during a different time, particularly one where pregnant women weren't ingesting Thalidomide as frequently.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sagittarius apologizes for the last couple of weeks, man... it's just that it's been so busy and all lately. Anyway, um, horoscope... um, you'll have a heart attack. Shit. Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The dismal opening-night receipts of Taco Gorillas From Outer Space will teach you an important lesson about composing operettas while stoned.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will bury yourself in your work this week, which would not be a problem if you weren't a gravedigger.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A race war will break out in the deepest dark of night, giving one side the definite upper hand.
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