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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Days after the plane crash, surrounded by the skeletal remains of hundreds of former passengers, you'll be overcome by a phenomenon known as "survivor's indigestion."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone brags about their kids, but remember, the law named after your daughter has only been adopted in 48 out of 50 states.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Apple Computer will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As grim as the situation may at first appear, the death toll will be surprisingly low after a school bus runs head-on into a local bloodmobile this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Skeptic James Randi will award you a check for $1,000,000 next week, after you are observed thoroughly enjoying that new Brad Garrett sitcom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They can take your wife, they can even take away your children, but they're going to need a much bigger hearse to do it all at once.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your 25-year high school reunion this week will reveal how little the Class of '83, and its bitter struggle with math, has changed over time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Friends will once again claim this week that you should've been born during a different time, particularly one where pregnant women weren't ingesting Thalidomide as frequently.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius apologizes for the last couple of weeks, man... it's just that it's been so busy and all lately. Anyway, um, horoscope... um, you'll have a heart attack. Shit. Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The dismal opening-night receipts of Taco Gorillas From Outer Space will teach you an important lesson about composing operettas while stoned.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will bury yourself in your work this week, which would not be a problem if you weren't a gravedigger.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A race war will break out in the deepest dark of night, giving one side the definite upper hand.

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