adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close