Aries | March 21 to April 19
While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.
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