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Vol 42 Issue 45

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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Family

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."
  • Libra

    Libra

    You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.
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