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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.
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