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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.

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