Aries | March 21 to April 19
The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.
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