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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.
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