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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.