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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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