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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Many will disapprove of your decision, but after carefully weighing the options, you'll once again go with the thinner woman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll claim to have only been following doctor's orders, but jury members will still convict you of assisting in a series of barbaric musculoskeletal medical experiments.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your body will be so battered and bloodied that police investigators will suspect necrophiliacs of having carried out the rape.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Dozens of low-income and at-risk families will suffer this week after you put another housing project off to the last minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    With each week that passes—regardless of how many children are murdered—your ritual killings are beginning to feel more like your rote killings.

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