Aries | March 21 to April 19
Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Many will disapprove of your decision, but after carefully weighing the options, you'll once again go with the thinner woman.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll claim to have only been following doctor's orders, but jury members will still convict you of assisting in a series of barbaric musculoskeletal medical experiments.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your body will be so battered and bloodied that police investigators will suspect necrophiliacs of having carried out the rape.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Dozens of low-income and at-risk families will suffer this week after you put another housing project off to the last minute.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
With each week that passes—regardless of how many children are murdered—your ritual killings are beginning to feel more like your rote killings.
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