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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Many will disapprove of your decision, but after carefully weighing the options, you'll once again go with the thinner woman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll claim to have only been following doctor's orders, but jury members will still convict you of assisting in a series of barbaric musculoskeletal medical experiments.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your body will be so battered and bloodied that police investigators will suspect necrophiliacs of having carried out the rape.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Dozens of low-income and at-risk families will suffer this week after you put another housing project off to the last minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    With each week that passes—regardless of how many children are murdered—your ritual killings are beginning to feel more like your rote killings.

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