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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Many will disapprove of your decision, but after carefully weighing the options, you'll once again go with the thinner woman.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll claim to have only been following doctor's orders, but jury members will still convict you of assisting in a series of barbaric musculoskeletal medical experiments.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your body will be so battered and bloodied that police investigators will suspect necrophiliacs of having carried out the rape.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Dozens of low-income and at-risk families will suffer this week after you put another housing project off to the last minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    With each week that passes—regardless of how many children are murdered—your ritual killings are beginning to feel more like your rote killings.
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