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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.


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