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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.

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