Aries | March 21 to April 19
While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.
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