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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.

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