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Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.

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