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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.

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