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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.


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