adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close