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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.
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