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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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