Aries | March 21 to April 19
You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
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