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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.