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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.

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