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Vol 42 Issue 50

Israelis Talk Nukes

Critics called for the resignation of Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert after he accidentally acknowledged for the first time that Israel had...

Annan Criticizes Bush

Former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan used his farewell address to criticize the Bush Administration for turning its back on human rights and...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
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