adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close