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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.

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