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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.