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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

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