Your Horoscope

In This Section

Vol 43 Issue 03

Wii, Water, Death

A California woman died of water intoxication while trying to win a Nintendo Wii duting a radio station's water-drinking contest. What do you...

Cisco Sues Over iPhone

Cisco Systems is suing Apple over the name "iPhone," claiming they own rights to it. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More