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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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