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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

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