Aries | March 21 to April 19
There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.
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