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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.

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