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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.

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