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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.
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