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Vol 43 Issue 04

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
  • Leo

    Leo

    An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.
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