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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your wildest dreams will come true this week, only further proving that you deserved the chartered accountancy promotion.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Spurred on by feelings of pressure and pain, you'll follow your heart about two-thirds of the way to the living room phone this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A series of mob-related events will soon have dockworkers around the world referring to you as a barrel of laughs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Fighting back the tears and suppressing wave after wave of indignation, you'll take next Tuesday's hysterectomy operation like a man.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you've always claimed to work better under strict deadlines, hundreds of radiation victims will soon have reason to disagree.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll be forced to continue due to a series of everyday responsibilities and obligations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes in life one must take the good with the bad, even if it means pretending to be attracted to her mother.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say that you're not the man you used to be, that you've got nothing left inside of you worth saving. However, it's the fact that they're licensed surgeons that really makes it sting.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.
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