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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your wildest dreams will come true this week, only further proving that you deserved the chartered accountancy promotion.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Spurred on by feelings of pressure and pain, you'll follow your heart about two-thirds of the way to the living room phone this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A series of mob-related events will soon have dockworkers around the world referring to you as a barrel of laughs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Fighting back the tears and suppressing wave after wave of indignation, you'll take next Tuesday's hysterectomy operation like a man.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you've always claimed to work better under strict deadlines, hundreds of radiation victims will soon have reason to disagree.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll be forced to continue due to a series of everyday responsibilities and obligations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes in life one must take the good with the bad, even if it means pretending to be attracted to her mother.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say that you're not the man you used to be, that you've got nothing left inside of you worth saving. However, it's the fact that they're licensed surgeons that really makes it sting.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.

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