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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your wildest dreams will come true this week, only further proving that you deserved the chartered accountancy promotion.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Spurred on by feelings of pressure and pain, you'll follow your heart about two-thirds of the way to the living room phone this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A series of mob-related events will soon have dockworkers around the world referring to you as a barrel of laughs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Fighting back the tears and suppressing wave after wave of indignation, you'll take next Tuesday's hysterectomy operation like a man.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you've always claimed to work better under strict deadlines, hundreds of radiation victims will soon have reason to disagree.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll be forced to continue due to a series of everyday responsibilities and obligations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes in life one must take the good with the bad, even if it means pretending to be attracted to her mother.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say that you're not the man you used to be, that you've got nothing left inside of you worth saving. However, it's the fact that they're licensed surgeons that really makes it sting.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.


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