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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.

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