adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Healthy Living

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close