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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.