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Vol 43 Issue 06

Anna Nicole Dead

Anna Nicole Smith died in Miami on Thursday at the age of 39. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Partying

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.
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