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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.

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