adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close