Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.