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Vol 43 Issue 07

FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think?

Drunk Driver In The Zone

STOUGHTON, WI—Alcoholic and car owner Jim Torkleson attributes his "best-ever" 11-mile, 0.14 blood-alcohol-content drunken drive home from...

John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player

STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout the sporting world last week when he announced, much to the surprise of his family and friends—in addition to NBA players and fans—that he lived a...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Personal Finance

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.
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