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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.

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