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Vol 43 Issue 08

Prince Harry Going To Iraq

Prince Harry, the son of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, third in line to the throne of England, is being deployed to Iraq. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.
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