adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close