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Vol 43 Issue 09

NFL Combine Highlights

With the NFL draft combine in the books, Onion Sports takes a closer look at some of the more notable performances:

Cheney Nearly Bombed

At least nine people have died in a suicide bombing at a U.S. base in Afghanistan during Vice President Dick Cheney's stay. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.
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