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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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