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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.


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