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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've always been the sort of guy to act first and think later, many will soon come to know you as a rather cautious and calculating woman.
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