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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've always been the sort of guy to act first and think later, many will soon come to know you as a rather cautious and calculating woman.