adBlockCheck

Recent News

Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've always been the sort of guy to act first and think later, many will soon come to know you as a rather cautious and calculating woman.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close