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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion–but then you really couldn't disagree with them more.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You believe there to be only two types of people in the world, those who dismiss your opinions as intensely ignorant and drunk Irishmen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be confronted by feelings of anger, disgust, and complete disbelief after taking a trip to the Holocaust Museum bathroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It's that time of the lunar cycle again!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately for you, there's no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you've always been the sort of guy to act first and think later, many will soon come to know you as a rather cautious and calculating woman.

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