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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren't just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it's why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally break the endlessly mounting tension at work when you cause the rollback of that aggravating "days without an accident" sign.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your local EMTs have a hard, gritty, often tragic life, broken up only by their hilarious weekly calls to your combination distillery and chimp farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Cancer researchers will appeal to you desperately for another donation this week, claiming that they are now only $1,345 away from finding a cure.

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