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Vol 43 Issue 11

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Following decades of uncertainty, you'll finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.
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