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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Following decades of uncertainty, you'll finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.

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