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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Following decades of uncertainty, you'll finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.

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