Aries | March 21 to April 19
You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Following decades of uncertainty, you'll finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.
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