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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Following decades of uncertainty, you'll finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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