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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Following decades of uncertainty, you'll finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.