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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health will continue to decline due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been a long time since you were hit by a bus, a fact that will suddenly occur to every commercial-license-holding man and woman within 350 miles of your house.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally be scheduled for that heart transplant, but unfortunately you'll get that one surgeon who suffers from simultaneous narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and incredibly vivid dreams about attending pig roasts.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely due to it having grown hoarse and nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed from so close up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As hard as you may try, there are some things in life that just can't be explained without the help of a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The week will start off shaky for you, but as long as you remember to... If You'd Like To Read More Of This Horoscope, Please Send $10 COD to Scorpio, Helena, MT 59601.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be forced to choose between all that life has to offer and few more minutes of sleep this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: It's not the size of the boat that matters, but whether or not it's equipped with fresh water, flare guns, shark repellent, and a copy of the Bible.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make a definite impression on the object of your desire this week when you carve a heart and your initials on the big tree in the park as well as on the surface of your eyes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.

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