Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your health will continue to decline due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's been a long time since you were hit by a bus, a fact that will suddenly occur to every commercial-license-holding man and woman within 350 miles of your house.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll finally be scheduled for that heart transplant, but unfortunately you'll get that one surgeon who suffers from simultaneous narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and incredibly vivid dreams about attending pig roasts.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely due to it having grown hoarse and nearly inaudible over the years.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed from so close up.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
As hard as you may try, there are some things in life that just can't be explained without the help of a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The week will start off shaky for you, but as long as you remember to... If You'd Like To Read More Of This Horoscope, Please Send $10 COD to Scorpio, Helena, MT 59601.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll be forced to choose between all that life has to offer and few more minutes of sleep this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember: It's not the size of the boat that matters, but whether or not it's equipped with fresh water, flare guns, shark repellent, and a copy of the Bible.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll make a definite impression on the object of your desire this week when you carve a heart and your initials on the big tree in the park as well as on the surface of your eyes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.
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