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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health will continue to decline due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been a long time since you were hit by a bus, a fact that will suddenly occur to every commercial-license-holding man and woman within 350 miles of your house.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally be scheduled for that heart transplant, but unfortunately you'll get that one surgeon who suffers from simultaneous narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and incredibly vivid dreams about attending pig roasts.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely due to it having grown hoarse and nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed from so close up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As hard as you may try, there are some things in life that just can't be explained without the help of a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The week will start off shaky for you, but as long as you remember to... If You'd Like To Read More Of This Horoscope, Please Send $10 COD to Scorpio, Helena, MT 59601.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be forced to choose between all that life has to offer and few more minutes of sleep this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: It's not the size of the boat that matters, but whether or not it's equipped with fresh water, flare guns, shark repellent, and a copy of the Bible.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make a definite impression on the object of your desire this week when you carve a heart and your initials on the big tree in the park as well as on the surface of your eyes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.


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