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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your health will continue to decline due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been a long time since you were hit by a bus, a fact that will suddenly occur to every commercial-license-holding man and woman within 350 miles of your house.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally be scheduled for that heart transplant, but unfortunately you'll get that one surgeon who suffers from simultaneous narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and incredibly vivid dreams about attending pig roasts.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely due to it having grown hoarse and nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed from so close up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    As hard as you may try, there are some things in life that just can't be explained without the help of a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The week will start off shaky for you, but as long as you remember to... If You'd Like To Read More Of This Horoscope, Please Send $10 COD to Scorpio, Helena, MT 59601.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be forced to choose between all that life has to offer and few more minutes of sleep this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: It's not the size of the boat that matters, but whether or not it's equipped with fresh water, flare guns, shark repellent, and a copy of the Bible.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make a definite impression on the object of your desire this week when you carve a heart and your initials on the big tree in the park as well as on the surface of your eyes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.

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