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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Scientists will be amazed when new quantum-radar technology reveals that most of the dense, fast-moving, fist-sized objects in the universe are headed straight for your testicles.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll soon learn that "shit a brick" is not merely a colorful rural figure of speech, first through the efforts of your neighborhood pigeons and then from painful personal experience.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A relatively dark time lies ahead for Gemini, one which does not seem to be infused with all-corrupting evil but does contain a lot of moist little noises, whimpering, and half-heard big band music played on badly tuned AM radios.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The police will once again explain to you at length that while yes, being your district's night-shift colon scraper is a dirty job, no one in fact has to do it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As it turns out, having your car struck by a bolt of lightning won't turn it into a sentient evil robot, but it will flesh-weld you to the parking officer you were fellating to avoid being ticketed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your cynical belief that people are easily led sheep who care only about big meals and furtive sex will cost you your fortune and your life, unless you realize how much they also love senseless violence.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll squander whatever small goodwill you've won in the world when you attempt to cash in on your self-proclaimed status as The Helen Keller of People with No Sense of Smell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The week will start off shaky for you when your town is hit by a 9.6 magnitude quake and get even worse on Thursday when you're gang-raped by bikers in an incident that doesn't lend itself well to a trite play on words.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your spirit will finally be broken for all time when the latest L.L. Bean catalog does not contain a photo of puppies asleep in their signature Dog Bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You talk a good game, but when the pressure's on, you'll fold like a cheap tent, breaking all the bones in your body that lack the articulation of a cheap tent's poles.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A routine appointment with a plastic surgeon turns epic when a scheduling error introduces you to the magnetic bedside manner of The Iron Surgeon and his Neodymium Nurses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You suspect you're finally going a little soft when you start enjoying the kind of pornography in which the pig lives.


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