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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Scientists will be amazed when new quantum-radar technology reveals that most of the dense, fast-moving, fist-sized objects in the universe are headed straight for your testicles.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll soon learn that "shit a brick" is not merely a colorful rural figure of speech, first through the efforts of your neighborhood pigeons and then from painful personal experience.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A relatively dark time lies ahead for Gemini, one which does not seem to be infused with all-corrupting evil but does contain a lot of moist little noises, whimpering, and half-heard big band music played on badly tuned AM radios.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The police will once again explain to you at length that while yes, being your district's night-shift colon scraper is a dirty job, no one in fact has to do it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As it turns out, having your car struck by a bolt of lightning won't turn it into a sentient evil robot, but it will flesh-weld you to the parking officer you were fellating to avoid being ticketed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your cynical belief that people are easily led sheep who care only about big meals and furtive sex will cost you your fortune and your life, unless you realize how much they also love senseless violence.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll squander whatever small goodwill you've won in the world when you attempt to cash in on your self-proclaimed status as The Helen Keller of People with No Sense of Smell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The week will start off shaky for you when your town is hit by a 9.6 magnitude quake and get even worse on Thursday when you're gang-raped by bikers in an incident that doesn't lend itself well to a trite play on words.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your spirit will finally be broken for all time when the latest L.L. Bean catalog does not contain a photo of puppies asleep in their signature Dog Bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You talk a good game, but when the pressure's on, you'll fold like a cheap tent, breaking all the bones in your body that lack the articulation of a cheap tent's poles.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A routine appointment with a plastic surgeon turns epic when a scheduling error introduces you to the magnetic bedside manner of The Iron Surgeon and his Neodymium Nurses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You suspect you're finally going a little soft when you start enjoying the kind of pornography in which the pig lives.

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