adBlockCheck

Recent News

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Scientists will be amazed when new quantum-radar technology reveals that most of the dense, fast-moving, fist-sized objects in the universe are headed straight for your testicles.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll soon learn that "shit a brick" is not merely a colorful rural figure of speech, first through the efforts of your neighborhood pigeons and then from painful personal experience.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A relatively dark time lies ahead for Gemini, one which does not seem to be infused with all-corrupting evil but does contain a lot of moist little noises, whimpering, and half-heard big band music played on badly tuned AM radios.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The police will once again explain to you at length that while yes, being your district's night-shift colon scraper is a dirty job, no one in fact has to do it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As it turns out, having your car struck by a bolt of lightning won't turn it into a sentient evil robot, but it will flesh-weld you to the parking officer you were fellating to avoid being ticketed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your cynical belief that people are easily led sheep who care only about big meals and furtive sex will cost you your fortune and your life, unless you realize how much they also love senseless violence.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll squander whatever small goodwill you've won in the world when you attempt to cash in on your self-proclaimed status as The Helen Keller of People with No Sense of Smell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The week will start off shaky for you when your town is hit by a 9.6 magnitude quake and get even worse on Thursday when you're gang-raped by bikers in an incident that doesn't lend itself well to a trite play on words.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your spirit will finally be broken for all time when the latest L.L. Bean catalog does not contain a photo of puppies asleep in their signature Dog Bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You talk a good game, but when the pressure's on, you'll fold like a cheap tent, breaking all the bones in your body that lack the articulation of a cheap tent's poles.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A routine appointment with a plastic surgeon turns epic when a scheduling error introduces you to the magnetic bedside manner of The Iron Surgeon and his Neodymium Nurses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You suspect you're finally going a little soft when you start enjoying the kind of pornography in which the pig lives.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close