Your Horoscope

In This Section

Vol 43 Issue 15

Kurt Vonnegut Dead

Kurt Vonnegut, author of The Sirens of Titan and Slaughterhouse-Five, died late Wednesday evening of head injuries sustained in a fall...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Internet

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll have your legs broken, your teeth shattered, and your skull caved in by Jesus as he strikes out with his Cruci-Chuks while bellowing that "you should'a used bigger nails" during his unexpectedly macho return.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll be hailed as America's Biggest Hero when you save a child from drowning despite weighing almost 450 pounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will discover a magical gramophone that allows you to communicate with the residents of the Land of the Dead, although they claim anything important should be discussed in person and they can wait a week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll write one of the best-selling children's books of all time when you cynically put every sugar-coated lie anyone ever told you into the mouth of an anthropomorphic hippo.
  • Leo

    Leo

    If there's a drinkable liquid in the world that doesn't cause loss of motor function, impaired judgment, slurred speech, dehydration, and eventual unconsciousness, you don't want to know about it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The treasure map turns out to be quite handy indeed, since if someone had just told you the gold was in the Florida Keys, you never would have figured out how to get there from your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your claim that there is nothing like a good sandwich will be refuted this week when competing scientists produce a second good sandwich.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will continue to earn the enmity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The scene of your murder will be perplexing for the investigating detectives, as each of your eleven parrots seems to have heard you and the killer say something different.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars tell that next week will be full of trials and tribulations at work. They also spell out a particularly lewd if not funny limerick, if you read Farsi.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Saying you're unhealthy is one thing, saying you're trouble is another, but when the cops invite the parents up to see how you smell so they can tell if their kids are using you, it's almost too much.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More