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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have your legs broken, your teeth shattered, and your skull caved in by Jesus as he strikes out with his Cruci-Chuks while bellowing that "you should'a used bigger nails" during his unexpectedly macho return.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be hailed as America's Biggest Hero when you save a child from drowning despite weighing almost 450 pounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a magical gramophone that allows you to communicate with the residents of the Land of the Dead, although they claim anything important should be discussed in person and they can wait a week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll write one of the best-selling children's books of all time when you cynically put every sugar-coated lie anyone ever told you into the mouth of an anthropomorphic hippo.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If there's a drinkable liquid in the world that doesn't cause loss of motor function, impaired judgment, slurred speech, dehydration, and eventual unconsciousness, you don't want to know about it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The treasure map turns out to be quite handy indeed, since if someone had just told you the gold was in the Florida Keys, you never would have figured out how to get there from your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your claim that there is nothing like a good sandwich will be refuted this week when competing scientists produce a second good sandwich.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will continue to earn the enmity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The scene of your murder will be perplexing for the investigating detectives, as each of your eleven parrots seems to have heard you and the killer say something different.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars tell that next week will be full of trials and tribulations at work. They also spell out a particularly lewd if not funny limerick, if you read Farsi.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Saying you're unhealthy is one thing, saying you're trouble is another, but when the cops invite the parents up to see how you smell so they can tell if their kids are using you, it's almost too much.

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