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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your boss' reputation as a savvy manager with a cruel sense of humor will convince everyone who reads his new business how-to book that giving you a perfunctory ball-punch is how men greet one another in the business world.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    In relatively good news, your life's usual boredom, self doubt, loneliness, inner pain, and frustration will be cut by almost three-sevenths this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be unsettled this week when the Emirate of Dubai builds an exact 88-story aluminum-and-glass replica of your head, and deeply troubled when you realize it's paired with an exact 68-story steel-and-glass replica of the gun in your desk drawer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It will take six men to get the look off the camel's face following your birthday party, although no one's sure why since the camel wasn't at the party, doesn't have an unusual look on its face, and the six men aren't known to work with camels.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll die from an accidental overdose of hormones that causes every muscle in your body to flex uncontrollably, become rigid, and eventually rupture after the 911 operator repeatedly hangs up on you for saying you're as "hard and straight as a bar of iron and ready to pop at any second."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The other residents of Texas could forgive your "messing with" habit, but not combined with your total silence on the issue of which vehicles you'd prefer to push rather than driving other vehicles.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've heard a lot of people say that having kids isn't easy, but as far as you can tell, the man's dingle just goes into the lady's hoo-hah.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although they do indeed say "if something's too good to be true, it probably is," the reverse is not automatically the case. Stop telling people Remington Steele was a real guy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be forced to withdraw your workplace sexual harassment lawsuit against your employer, Carnivore Stables LLC, when your boss demonstrates the fully functional life-sized pony constructed from USDA Grade-A bologna that he was asking you to test-ride.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your week will be indistinguishable from last week in every detail but one, but that's just a minor color and texture change you probably won't even notice.

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