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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your boss' reputation as a savvy manager with a cruel sense of humor will convince everyone who reads his new business how-to book that giving you a perfunctory ball-punch is how men greet one another in the business world.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    In relatively good news, your life's usual boredom, self doubt, loneliness, inner pain, and frustration will be cut by almost three-sevenths this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be unsettled this week when the Emirate of Dubai builds an exact 88-story aluminum-and-glass replica of your head, and deeply troubled when you realize it's paired with an exact 68-story steel-and-glass replica of the gun in your desk drawer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It will take six men to get the look off the camel's face following your birthday party, although no one's sure why since the camel wasn't at the party, doesn't have an unusual look on its face, and the six men aren't known to work with camels.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll die from an accidental overdose of hormones that causes every muscle in your body to flex uncontrollably, become rigid, and eventually rupture after the 911 operator repeatedly hangs up on you for saying you're as "hard and straight as a bar of iron and ready to pop at any second."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The other residents of Texas could forgive your "messing with" habit, but not combined with your total silence on the issue of which vehicles you'd prefer to push rather than driving other vehicles.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've heard a lot of people say that having kids isn't easy, but as far as you can tell, the man's dingle just goes into the lady's hoo-hah.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although they do indeed say "if something's too good to be true, it probably is," the reverse is not automatically the case. Stop telling people Remington Steele was a real guy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be forced to withdraw your workplace sexual harassment lawsuit against your employer, Carnivore Stables LLC, when your boss demonstrates the fully functional life-sized pony constructed from USDA Grade-A bologna that he was asking you to test-ride.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your week will be indistinguishable from last week in every detail but one, but that's just a minor color and texture change you probably won't even notice.

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