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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Once again you'll wind up with the kind of ambulance driver who thinks he can blow the flames out if he just drives fast enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Quit insisting that if you could walk that way you wouldn't need the cornstarch. You know you'd need the damn cornstarch anyway.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The good news is that the lumpy mass in your pancreas doesn't seem to be cancer. The bad news is that almost everything else inside you does.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars waited a long time just to be sure, but it looks as though you were in fact wrong about e-mail being the CB radio of the '90s.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although you're relieved psychologists cured you of the delusion that you're a chicken, you're dreading returning home to find all those "eggs" you remember laying.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You were told that getting a puppy would help you meet girls, but they still don't seem to want to approach you, no matter how cute the little guy looks inside your translucent thorax.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    What you thought was a flippant remark will lead you directly to the 17 people you have to blow to get a drink around here.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You have no idea who the hell this Orwell guy was, but he sure screwed up when he didn't fill up that farm with hilarious monkeys.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If there's anything better than working 50 hours a week in an air-conditioner filter plant, you don't want to know what it is, because hey, that's all you're ever going to do and you'd hate to be dissatisfied.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People tell you to follow your dreams, but lately they've been going to some really bad neighborhoods in the middle of the night and getting mixed up with some pretty unsavory characters.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A much-needed change of scenery is in store for you this week when wildfires sweep through your area, charring everything visible from your cell's tiny window.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're the kind of person who can find something positive in anyone. Then again, you're also the kind of person who finds pain hilarious, so it's not that hard for you.

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