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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband would simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ve been struck by Cupid’s magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.

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