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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your drinking is beginning to drive your friends and loved ones away from you, making you wish you'd thought of it much earlier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's useless to sit at home and wish that a crazed masked murderer would take a welding torch and slaughter your town's sexually active teens when you own a perfectly good welder's torch yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You finally seem to be cured of your blatantly self-destructive tendencies, but you can't shake the feeling that two legs are twice as many as a person really needs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've thought about trying online dating, but you can't help noticing that the Personal Of The Day is always the same person, who, despite being attractive and interesting, somehow still can't get a date.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be unsure exactly what to do when that one girl who always wins the lottery and knows who's going to win all the baseball games tells you she's worried about radiation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The tension will mount slowly over the next few days as the needle touching the surface of your eyeball begins to press slowly but inexorably harder.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You can never remember if, when meeting new business associates, you're supposed to give your name and shake hands firmly while looking them in the eye, or break their collarbones with the edge of your hand and run away to study woodworking in New Hampshire under an assumed name.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your career as a professional gold-digger gets off to a bad start when the construction workers you're attracted to are found to lack diggable gold.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be wandering the streets, lost in thought, pondering the missing factors in your million-dollar plan, when suddenly it will hit you: the cross-town A63 express bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've tried analyzing them through mass spectrometry, centrifuging them to separate their component elements, and searching everywhere inside them, but you still just don't understand women.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll take a long night journey over water accompanied by a dark stranger while starting new projects both at work and in your love life after every star in the sky somehow winds up in your sign this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The nation's leading cosmetic, pharmaceutical, and helmet-testing technicians will all take a moment this week to wonder what they did before they captured you.

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