Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your drinking is beginning to drive your friends and loved ones away from you, making you wish you'd thought of it much earlier.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It's useless to sit at home and wish that a crazed masked murderer would take a welding torch and slaughter your town's sexually active teens when you own a perfectly good welder's torch yourself.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You finally seem to be cured of your blatantly self-destructive tendencies, but you can't shake the feeling that two legs are twice as many as a person really needs.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've thought about trying online dating, but you can't help noticing that the Personal Of The Day is always the same person, who, despite being attractive and interesting, somehow still can't get a date.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be unsure exactly what to do when that one girl who always wins the lottery and knows who's going to win all the baseball games tells you she's worried about radiation.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The tension will mount slowly over the next few days as the needle touching the surface of your eyeball begins to press slowly but inexorably harder.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You can never remember if, when meeting new business associates, you're supposed to give your name and shake hands firmly while looking them in the eye, or break their collarbones with the edge of your hand and run away to study woodworking in New Hampshire under an assumed name.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your career as a professional gold-digger gets off to a bad start when the construction workers you're attracted to are found to lack diggable gold.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll be wandering the streets, lost in thought, pondering the missing factors in your million-dollar plan, when suddenly it will hit you: the cross-town A63 express bus.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've tried analyzing them through mass spectrometry, centrifuging them to separate their component elements, and searching everywhere inside them, but you still just don't understand women.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll take a long night journey over water accompanied by a dark stranger while starting new projects both at work and in your love life after every star in the sky somehow winds up in your sign this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The nation's leading cosmetic, pharmaceutical, and helmet-testing technicians will all take a moment this week to wonder what they did before they captured you.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION