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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your drinking is beginning to drive your friends and loved ones away from you, making you wish you'd thought of it much earlier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's useless to sit at home and wish that a crazed masked murderer would take a welding torch and slaughter your town's sexually active teens when you own a perfectly good welder's torch yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You finally seem to be cured of your blatantly self-destructive tendencies, but you can't shake the feeling that two legs are twice as many as a person really needs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've thought about trying online dating, but you can't help noticing that the Personal Of The Day is always the same person, who, despite being attractive and interesting, somehow still can't get a date.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be unsure exactly what to do when that one girl who always wins the lottery and knows who's going to win all the baseball games tells you she's worried about radiation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The tension will mount slowly over the next few days as the needle touching the surface of your eyeball begins to press slowly but inexorably harder.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You can never remember if, when meeting new business associates, you're supposed to give your name and shake hands firmly while looking them in the eye, or break their collarbones with the edge of your hand and run away to study woodworking in New Hampshire under an assumed name.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your career as a professional gold-digger gets off to a bad start when the construction workers you're attracted to are found to lack diggable gold.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be wandering the streets, lost in thought, pondering the missing factors in your million-dollar plan, when suddenly it will hit you: the cross-town A63 express bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've tried analyzing them through mass spectrometry, centrifuging them to separate their component elements, and searching everywhere inside them, but you still just don't understand women.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll take a long night journey over water accompanied by a dark stranger while starting new projects both at work and in your love life after every star in the sky somehow winds up in your sign this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The nation's leading cosmetic, pharmaceutical, and helmet-testing technicians will all take a moment this week to wonder what they did before they captured you.

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