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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be unable to quite remember Sebastian Cabot's name this week, despite everyone saying, "You mean Sebastian Cabot?" every time you describe Sebastian Cabot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can no longer deny the strength of the feelings growing inside you. Nor can the 18 other bus passengers present for your rippling volley of explosive orgasms.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old adage that begins "For want of a nail" will take on special meaning for you this week when a time-travel accident leaves you standing empty-handed at the Crucifixion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your lawsuit against the drug companies will sputter out when it turns out the major suppliers of top-shelf blow aren't "companies" in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're no detective, but you're pretty sure the bloody toothprints on the scrap of diaper stuck in your truck's radiator are a clue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While the directors of the Palomar Observatory admit the nebula has an unusual shape, they do not believe you caught God masturbating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The artificial-looking eyes, the strange metallic horns, and the revving sound coming from within the hide should have made you realize that what you faced in the corrida last week was no real bull.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Experts will speculate wildly about your reason for crossing the road when post-mortem tests reveal that you were in fact not a chicken.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll cry because you have no shoes until you see a man who has no shame stretching out his anus to the size of a soup bowl and putting pictures of it on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have decided that if you're going to be such a prick about everything, you'll just have to find the future out for yourself from now on.

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