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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be unable to quite remember Sebastian Cabot's name this week, despite everyone saying, "You mean Sebastian Cabot?" every time you describe Sebastian Cabot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can no longer deny the strength of the feelings growing inside you. Nor can the 18 other bus passengers present for your rippling volley of explosive orgasms.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old adage that begins "For want of a nail" will take on special meaning for you this week when a time-travel accident leaves you standing empty-handed at the Crucifixion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your lawsuit against the drug companies will sputter out when it turns out the major suppliers of top-shelf blow aren't "companies" in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're no detective, but you're pretty sure the bloody toothprints on the scrap of diaper stuck in your truck's radiator are a clue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While the directors of the Palomar Observatory admit the nebula has an unusual shape, they do not believe you caught God masturbating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The artificial-looking eyes, the strange metallic horns, and the revving sound coming from within the hide should have made you realize that what you faced in the corrida last week was no real bull.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Experts will speculate wildly about your reason for crossing the road when post-mortem tests reveal that you were in fact not a chicken.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll cry because you have no shoes until you see a man who has no shame stretching out his anus to the size of a soup bowl and putting pictures of it on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have decided that if you're going to be such a prick about everything, you'll just have to find the future out for yourself from now on.


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