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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be unable to quite remember Sebastian Cabot's name this week, despite everyone saying, "You mean Sebastian Cabot?" every time you describe Sebastian Cabot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can no longer deny the strength of the feelings growing inside you. Nor can the 18 other bus passengers present for your rippling volley of explosive orgasms.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old adage that begins "For want of a nail" will take on special meaning for you this week when a time-travel accident leaves you standing empty-handed at the Crucifixion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your lawsuit against the drug companies will sputter out when it turns out the major suppliers of top-shelf blow aren't "companies" in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're no detective, but you're pretty sure the bloody toothprints on the scrap of diaper stuck in your truck's radiator are a clue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While the directors of the Palomar Observatory admit the nebula has an unusual shape, they do not believe you caught God masturbating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The artificial-looking eyes, the strange metallic horns, and the revving sound coming from within the hide should have made you realize that what you faced in the corrida last week was no real bull.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Experts will speculate wildly about your reason for crossing the road when post-mortem tests reveal that you were in fact not a chicken.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll cry because you have no shoes until you see a man who has no shame stretching out his anus to the size of a soup bowl and putting pictures of it on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have decided that if you're going to be such a prick about everything, you'll just have to find the future out for yourself from now on.

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