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Vol 43 Issue 20

Romney: 'Double Guantanamo'

In a Republican presidential debate on Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said he would support doubling the detention facilities in...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll be unable to quite remember Sebastian Cabot's name this week, despite everyone saying, "You mean Sebastian Cabot?" every time you describe Sebastian Cabot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You can no longer deny the strength of the feelings growing inside you. Nor can the 18 other bus passengers present for your rippling volley of explosive orgasms.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The old adage that begins "For want of a nail" will take on special meaning for you this week when a time-travel accident leaves you standing empty-handed at the Crucifixion.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your lawsuit against the drug companies will sputter out when it turns out the major suppliers of top-shelf blow aren't "companies" in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're no detective, but you're pretty sure the bloody toothprints on the scrap of diaper stuck in your truck's radiator are a clue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While the directors of the Palomar Observatory admit the nebula has an unusual shape, they do not believe you caught God masturbating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The artificial-looking eyes, the strange metallic horns, and the revving sound coming from within the hide should have made you realize that what you faced in the corrida last week was no real bull.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Experts will speculate wildly about your reason for crossing the road when post-mortem tests reveal that you were in fact not a chicken.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll cry because you have no shoes until you see a man who has no shame stretching out his anus to the size of a soup bowl and putting pictures of it on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars have decided that if you're going to be such a prick about everything, you'll just have to find the future out for yourself from now on.
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