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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be unable to quite remember Sebastian Cabot's name this week, despite everyone saying, "You mean Sebastian Cabot?" every time you describe Sebastian Cabot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can no longer deny the strength of the feelings growing inside you. Nor can the 18 other bus passengers present for your rippling volley of explosive orgasms.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old adage that begins "For want of a nail" will take on special meaning for you this week when a time-travel accident leaves you standing empty-handed at the Crucifixion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your lawsuit against the drug companies will sputter out when it turns out the major suppliers of top-shelf blow aren't "companies" in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're no detective, but you're pretty sure the bloody toothprints on the scrap of diaper stuck in your truck's radiator are a clue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While the directors of the Palomar Observatory admit the nebula has an unusual shape, they do not believe you caught God masturbating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The artificial-looking eyes, the strange metallic horns, and the revving sound coming from within the hide should have made you realize that what you faced in the corrida last week was no real bull.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Experts will speculate wildly about your reason for crossing the road when post-mortem tests reveal that you were in fact not a chicken.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll cry because you have no shoes until you see a man who has no shame stretching out his anus to the size of a soup bowl and putting pictures of it on the Internet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have decided that if you're going to be such a prick about everything, you'll just have to find the future out for yourself from now on.

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