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Vol 43 Issue 21

Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa?

An internal memo from from a Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign staffer urged her not to run in the Iowa caucus, stating that she would probably...

Nation Mobilizes For Beautiful Weekend

NEW YORK—"It may mean sacrificing TV shows and even chores, but we cannot sit idly by as this gorgeous weather rolls in," said one resident, checking multiple forecasts.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    The presence of a "push" sign on a door that obviously must be pulled in order to open will give you overwhelming insight into the futile and picaresque nature of the human experience.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You consider yourself an enlightened and compassionate citizen of the world, but you still bust out laughing every time that South Asian on the TV yells "No bingo!"
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Recent changes to the Cosmic Transportation Authority Code mean the mystic Path to Happiness will now run through the pain center of your brain. Luckily, almost no one ever travels it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll again fail to see the world through the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing through them doesn't really work like that.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Consumer Reports loved your generous size, high capacity, and ease of operation, but was forced to rate you lower for your high fuel consumption and low resistance to fire and acid.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    While you're aware that people enjoy watching you get hit by buses, you're still surprised that so many are spending $54.95 to sign up for next Sunday's pay-per-view accident.
  • Libra

    Libra

    This would be a good week to make big plans at work if it weren't for the fact that last week was a good week to be fired for no reason after 15 years at the same company.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll inspire disbelief, jealousy, and not a little hatred when you, rather than Puerto Rico, are named as America's 51st state.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Unfortunately, this is not in fact your horoscope but a nefarious form of demonic sorcery. Do not read it lest you wish to unleash horrors and abominations unspeakable.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll finally achieve that race victory that's been eluding you for so long, although it'll take a few days for the welts to heal where the jockey whipped you on the home stretch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although you keep insisting that print is dead, it doesn't seem to have hurt your ability to find newspapers to cover yourself with while sleeping on park benches.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.
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