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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The presence of a "push" sign on a door that obviously must be pulled in order to open will give you overwhelming insight into the futile and picaresque nature of the human experience.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You consider yourself an enlightened and compassionate citizen of the world, but you still bust out laughing every time that South Asian on the TV yells "No bingo!"
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Recent changes to the Cosmic Transportation Authority Code mean the mystic Path to Happiness will now run through the pain center of your brain. Luckily, almost no one ever travels it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll again fail to see the world through the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing through them doesn't really work like that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Consumer Reports loved your generous size, high capacity, and ease of operation, but was forced to rate you lower for your high fuel consumption and low resistance to fire and acid.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While you're aware that people enjoy watching you get hit by buses, you're still surprised that so many are spending $54.95 to sign up for next Sunday's pay-per-view accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This would be a good week to make big plans at work if it weren't for the fact that last week was a good week to be fired for no reason after 15 years at the same company.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll inspire disbelief, jealousy, and not a little hatred when you, rather than Puerto Rico, are named as America's 51st state.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unfortunately, this is not in fact your horoscope but a nefarious form of demonic sorcery. Do not read it lest you wish to unleash horrors and abominations unspeakable.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally achieve that race victory that's been eluding you for so long, although it'll take a few days for the welts to heal where the jockey whipped you on the home stretch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you keep insisting that print is dead, it doesn't seem to have hurt your ability to find newspapers to cover yourself with while sleeping on park benches.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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