TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.
DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday.
NEW HAVEN, CT—In a startling discovery that sheds new light on the woman Christians revere as the mother of their Lord and Savior, researchers at Yale Divinity School announced Monday that the Blessed Virgin Mary was in fact God’s second choice to bear His only son.
POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect.
BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study published Friday by researchers at Indiana University revealed that U.S. citizens waste approximately 2 million hours annually trying to figure out where a roll of tape starts.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
TOPEKA, KS—Expressing dismay at his shockingly coldblooded behavior, sources confirmed that local man and heartless monster Ethan McKenzie, 34, walked out of local small business Hearthstone Artisan Goods on Tuesday without purchasing anything.
Benevolent gods will finally take pity on you and reward you for your suffering, but unfortunately they're the gods of corn and lima beans and as such, reward you in succotash.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Because of your unhealthy relationship with public transportation, counselors will spend months trying to convince you that the bus does not hit you because it loves you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your arduous quest for self-improvement will hit yet another snag this week when you admit you have a crush on Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Saturn will enter your sign this week just as the cute new employee in accounting is about to ask you out, ruining your chances for happiness forever.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your inability to heed a single piece of celestial advice has driven the stars in your sign to become gamma-ray bursters. Your fear of commitment is now responsible for the radiation deaths of three trillion aliens in seven systems.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are a fool if you do not consider purchasing the stars' low-mileage 1999 Oldsmobile Alero, featuring a clean interior, six-CD changer, new tires, and a recent service, all for just $3,600.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Love means different things to different people, but you're the only one for whom it means that to every w-consistent class K of formula there correspond recursive class-sign r (on free var. v), such that neither (v Gen r) nor ~(v Gen r) belong to Flg (K).
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
At the risk of sounding too forward, and with full knowledge they are acting outside their purview, the General Mills board of directors is of the opinion that a navy blue sports coat looks great on anyone.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You think of yourself as the kind of person who hungers for all the knowledge and new experiences life has to offer, but actually you usually fill up on the free salad and breadsticks.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After the fire at your place, investigators won't want to question you so much about smoking in bed or the grow lights in the closet but about the stacks and stacks of bridal magazines.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Although the editors at Penguin have received your letters and are sorry you do not "get" Milton, they will refuse to make any of your 3,264 suggested changes to Paradise Lost.