adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Benevolent gods will finally take pity on you and reward you for your suffering, but unfortunately they're the gods of corn and lima beans and as such, reward you in succotash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Because of your unhealthy relationship with public transportation, counselors will spend months trying to convince you that the bus does not hit you because it loves you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your arduous quest for self-improvement will hit yet another snag this week when you admit you have a crush on Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Saturn will enter your sign this week just as the cute new employee in accounting is about to ask you out, ruining your chances for happiness forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your inability to heed a single piece of celestial advice has driven the stars in your sign to become gamma-ray bursters. Your fear of commitment is now responsible for the radiation deaths of three trillion aliens in seven systems.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are a fool if you do not consider purchasing the stars' low-mileage 1999 Oldsmobile Alero, featuring a clean interior, six-CD changer, new tires, and a recent service, all for just $3,600.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Love means different things to different people, but you're the only one for whom it means that to every w-consistent class K of formula there correspond recursive class-sign r (on free var. v), such that neither (v Gen r) nor ~(v Gen r) belong to Flg (K).
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    At the risk of sounding too forward, and with full knowledge they are acting outside their purview, the General Mills board of directors is of the opinion that a navy blue sports coat looks great on anyone.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You think of yourself as the kind of person who hungers for all the knowledge and new experiences life has to offer, but actually you usually fill up on the free salad and breadsticks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After the fire at your place, investigators won't want to question you so much about smoking in bed or the grow lights in the closet but about the stacks and stacks of bridal magazines.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although the editors at Penguin have received your letters and are sorry you do not "get" Milton, they will refuse to make any of your 3,264 suggested changes to Paradise Lost.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close