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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Benevolent gods will finally take pity on you and reward you for your suffering, but unfortunately they're the gods of corn and lima beans and as such, reward you in succotash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Because of your unhealthy relationship with public transportation, counselors will spend months trying to convince you that the bus does not hit you because it loves you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your arduous quest for self-improvement will hit yet another snag this week when you admit you have a crush on Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Saturn will enter your sign this week just as the cute new employee in accounting is about to ask you out, ruining your chances for happiness forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your inability to heed a single piece of celestial advice has driven the stars in your sign to become gamma-ray bursters. Your fear of commitment is now responsible for the radiation deaths of three trillion aliens in seven systems.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are a fool if you do not consider purchasing the stars' low-mileage 1999 Oldsmobile Alero, featuring a clean interior, six-CD changer, new tires, and a recent service, all for just $3,600.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Love means different things to different people, but you're the only one for whom it means that to every w-consistent class K of formula there correspond recursive class-sign r (on free var. v), such that neither (v Gen r) nor ~(v Gen r) belong to Flg (K).
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    At the risk of sounding too forward, and with full knowledge they are acting outside their purview, the General Mills board of directors is of the opinion that a navy blue sports coat looks great on anyone.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You think of yourself as the kind of person who hungers for all the knowledge and new experiences life has to offer, but actually you usually fill up on the free salad and breadsticks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After the fire at your place, investigators won't want to question you so much about smoking in bed or the grow lights in the closet but about the stacks and stacks of bridal magazines.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although the editors at Penguin have received your letters and are sorry you do not "get" Milton, they will refuse to make any of your 3,264 suggested changes to Paradise Lost.

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