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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll take a bold stand against hundreds of years of accepted business practices when you refuse to base your in-office wardrobe on a two-button navy blue suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars see nothing wrong with chiding someone for wearing pleat-fronted khakis, but it's better to go easy on someone wearing the same style of pant in a gabardine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take care this week when purchasing hand-made loafers, as many of the modern designers use sole leather prone to slippage and cracking.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be the object of mockery for days after mistakenly telling your tailor to use too shallow a break in the cuffs of your trousers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While there's no doubt that plastic collar stays have their place in the fast-paced modern world, Jupiter ascendant in Leo means it's time to invest in a set crafted from old-fashioned brass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With the right collar, three-button sport coats don't have to look old fashioned, and they can often accommodate PDAs or smartphones in their more generous interior pockets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mysterious stranger will appear and teach you how a suit in a bold (not to say loud) checked pattern can add dignified character to your closet, as long as you augment it with plain shirts and solid ties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A summer-weight wool suit is a nice idea, but let's face it: Wool is still wool.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time to make changes in the workplace, especially if you have the kind of quiet authority a pair of heirloom-quality cuff links confer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Fear will be your prime motivator this week, but don't be afraid to wear brown shoes with a blue suit as long as the shoes are well-kept and match your belt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Self-honesty is the most difficult road a man can walk, especially when one is forced to admit that almost no one looks good in both tweeds and pinstripes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Discomfort will be your greatest obstacle this week; no matter who tailored it or how good it looks on the hanger, you won't look good in it if you're not comfortable.