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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll take a bold stand against hundreds of years of accepted business practices when you refuse to base your in-office wardrobe on a two-button navy blue suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars see nothing wrong with chiding someone for wearing pleat-fronted khakis, but it's better to go easy on someone wearing the same style of pant in a gabardine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take care this week when purchasing hand-made loafers, as many of the modern designers use sole leather prone to slippage and cracking.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be the object of mockery for days after mistakenly telling your tailor to use too shallow a break in the cuffs of your trousers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While there's no doubt that plastic collar stays have their place in the fast-paced modern world, Jupiter ascendant in Leo means it's time to invest in a set crafted from old-fashioned brass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With the right collar, three-button sport coats don't have to look old fashioned, and they can often accommodate PDAs or smartphones in their more generous interior pockets.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A mysterious stranger will appear and teach you how a suit in a bold (not to say loud) checked pattern can add dignified character to your closet, as long as you augment it with plain shirts and solid ties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A summer-weight wool suit is a nice idea, but let's face it: Wool is still wool.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a good time to make changes in the workplace, especially if you have the kind of quiet authority a pair of heirloom-quality cuff links confer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Fear will be your prime motivator this week, but don't be afraid to wear brown shoes with a blue suit as long as the shoes are well-kept and match your belt.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Self-honesty is the most difficult road a man can walk, especially when one is forced to admit that almost no one looks good in both tweeds and pinstripes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Discomfort will be your greatest obstacle this week; no matter who tailored it or how good it looks on the hanger, you won't look good in it if you're not comfortable.

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