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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though the doctors have found a donor and are willing to perform the operation, you should really ask yourself how many more livers you actually need.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Judging by the speed of the approaching asteroid swarm, it is not a good time to go forward with new plans in your career.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your utter lack of appeal to the opposite sex will save you from the Black Widow Killer, but it won't keep you out of the clutches of the Utter Lack of Appeal to the Opposite Sex Slasher.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally find love, happiness, and meaning in life, but unfortunately only by partnering with an inspiring field-goal-kicking golden retriever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life has reached a state of inertia, due primarily to the fact that you've spent most of it waiting for the next truly great ice cream flavor to come along.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally clear up your years-long nightmare of health care paperwork and insurance confusion when you realize that heroin is available without a prescription.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The current political climate will continue to make it difficult for you to enjoy your hobby of packing trucks with explosives, driving them to government buildings, and masturbating yourself senseless behind the wheel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say there's nothing wrong with you a little exercise won't cure, but only because they know physical strain will burst your flabby heart like a balloon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're beginning to suspect that people may have hidden, personal motives for asking you to give them all your money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd much rather have people fear you than love you, which may be a problem since you are an adorable 3-week-old tiger-striped kitten.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you really want the 16-ounce tenderloin with peppercorn sauce and a side of gorgonzola mashed potatoes, you'll ultimately settle for the spinach salad without dressing.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Many of your problems forging strong interpersonal relationships will be solved when you discover a commercially available cleaning product that, when applied to your body along with hot water, provides many benefits.

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