adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though the doctors have found a donor and are willing to perform the operation, you should really ask yourself how many more livers you actually need.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Judging by the speed of the approaching asteroid swarm, it is not a good time to go forward with new plans in your career.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your utter lack of appeal to the opposite sex will save you from the Black Widow Killer, but it won't keep you out of the clutches of the Utter Lack of Appeal to the Opposite Sex Slasher.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally find love, happiness, and meaning in life, but unfortunately only by partnering with an inspiring field-goal-kicking golden retriever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life has reached a state of inertia, due primarily to the fact that you've spent most of it waiting for the next truly great ice cream flavor to come along.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally clear up your years-long nightmare of health care paperwork and insurance confusion when you realize that heroin is available without a prescription.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The current political climate will continue to make it difficult for you to enjoy your hobby of packing trucks with explosives, driving them to government buildings, and masturbating yourself senseless behind the wheel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say there's nothing wrong with you a little exercise won't cure, but only because they know physical strain will burst your flabby heart like a balloon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're beginning to suspect that people may have hidden, personal motives for asking you to give them all your money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd much rather have people fear you than love you, which may be a problem since you are an adorable 3-week-old tiger-striped kitten.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you really want the 16-ounce tenderloin with peppercorn sauce and a side of gorgonzola mashed potatoes, you'll ultimately settle for the spinach salad without dressing.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Many of your problems forging strong interpersonal relationships will be solved when you discover a commercially available cleaning product that, when applied to your body along with hot water, provides many benefits.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close