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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though the doctors have found a donor and are willing to perform the operation, you should really ask yourself how many more livers you actually need.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Judging by the speed of the approaching asteroid swarm, it is not a good time to go forward with new plans in your career.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your utter lack of appeal to the opposite sex will save you from the Black Widow Killer, but it won't keep you out of the clutches of the Utter Lack of Appeal to the Opposite Sex Slasher.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally find love, happiness, and meaning in life, but unfortunately only by partnering with an inspiring field-goal-kicking golden retriever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your life has reached a state of inertia, due primarily to the fact that you've spent most of it waiting for the next truly great ice cream flavor to come along.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally clear up your years-long nightmare of health care paperwork and insurance confusion when you realize that heroin is available without a prescription.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The current political climate will continue to make it difficult for you to enjoy your hobby of packing trucks with explosives, driving them to government buildings, and masturbating yourself senseless behind the wheel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say there's nothing wrong with you a little exercise won't cure, but only because they know physical strain will burst your flabby heart like a balloon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're beginning to suspect that people may have hidden, personal motives for asking you to give them all your money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd much rather have people fear you than love you, which may be a problem since you are an adorable 3-week-old tiger-striped kitten.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you really want the 16-ounce tenderloin with peppercorn sauce and a side of gorgonzola mashed potatoes, you'll ultimately settle for the spinach salad without dressing.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Many of your problems forging strong interpersonal relationships will be solved when you discover a commercially available cleaning product that, when applied to your body along with hot water, provides many benefits.


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