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Vol 43 Issue 25

Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss

COLUMBUS, OH—The skanks would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, forcing many bargoers to wait and continuously eye the suggestive pair.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    The kinder stars have decreed that you shall be wealthy and happy. Unfortunately, the far more numerous malevolent stars have decided to send an out-of-control bus screaming toward you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The AMA can say whatever it wants about accidents, but you're still not convinced that a surgeon could leave so many scalpels, magazine subscription cards, and cigarette butts in your abdomen by mistake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your long uphill battle for self-improvement will founder once again when you find yourself thinking that some reality television shows are actually pretty good.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've never really been concerned with the plight of the giant panda, but that was before you found out about panda porn.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Authorities investigating the high teen suicide rate in your area will finally put two and two together and ask you to stop attending high-school career days.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You cannot fathom the mysteries of the human heart, so just sit back and enjoy their chewy texture and meaty savor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Satan's not sure where you got such a dramatic picture of Hell, but if you don't get an apron on and sell that eight-top some hot wings tout de suite, he'll bust you down to infernal dishwasher.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll find it surprisingly difficult to tell your parents that you're gay, especially considering that it's just part of a scheme to give them heart attacks and collect their life insurance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your place is becoming the central gathering spot for everyone in the neighborhood to just hang out and do whatever, which would be nice if you actually knew any of these people.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After he's finally finished, the new, re-imagined Smokey the Bear will hang your gnawed rib cage from his Tree of One Thousand Bones as a reminder that only you can prevent the horror that is forest fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.
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