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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The kinder stars have decreed that you shall be wealthy and happy. Unfortunately, the far more numerous malevolent stars have decided to send an out-of-control bus screaming toward you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The AMA can say whatever it wants about accidents, but you're still not convinced that a surgeon could leave so many scalpels, magazine subscription cards, and cigarette butts in your abdomen by mistake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your long uphill battle for self-improvement will founder once again when you find yourself thinking that some reality television shows are actually pretty good.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never really been concerned with the plight of the giant panda, but that was before you found out about panda porn.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Authorities investigating the high teen suicide rate in your area will finally put two and two together and ask you to stop attending high-school career days.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You cannot fathom the mysteries of the human heart, so just sit back and enjoy their chewy texture and meaty savor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Satan's not sure where you got such a dramatic picture of Hell, but if you don't get an apron on and sell that eight-top some hot wings tout de suite, he'll bust you down to infernal dishwasher.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find it surprisingly difficult to tell your parents that you're gay, especially considering that it's just part of a scheme to give them heart attacks and collect their life insurance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your place is becoming the central gathering spot for everyone in the neighborhood to just hang out and do whatever, which would be nice if you actually knew any of these people.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After he's finally finished, the new, re-imagined Smokey the Bear will hang your gnawed rib cage from his Tree of One Thousand Bones as a reminder that only you can prevent the horror that is forest fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.

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