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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The kinder stars have decreed that you shall be wealthy and happy. Unfortunately, the far more numerous malevolent stars have decided to send an out-of-control bus screaming toward you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The AMA can say whatever it wants about accidents, but you're still not convinced that a surgeon could leave so many scalpels, magazine subscription cards, and cigarette butts in your abdomen by mistake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your long uphill battle for self-improvement will founder once again when you find yourself thinking that some reality television shows are actually pretty good.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never really been concerned with the plight of the giant panda, but that was before you found out about panda porn.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Authorities investigating the high teen suicide rate in your area will finally put two and two together and ask you to stop attending high-school career days.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You cannot fathom the mysteries of the human heart, so just sit back and enjoy their chewy texture and meaty savor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Satan's not sure where you got such a dramatic picture of Hell, but if you don't get an apron on and sell that eight-top some hot wings tout de suite, he'll bust you down to infernal dishwasher.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find it surprisingly difficult to tell your parents that you're gay, especially considering that it's just part of a scheme to give them heart attacks and collect their life insurance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your place is becoming the central gathering spot for everyone in the neighborhood to just hang out and do whatever, which would be nice if you actually knew any of these people.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After he's finally finished, the new, re-imagined Smokey the Bear will hang your gnawed rib cage from his Tree of One Thousand Bones as a reminder that only you can prevent the horror that is forest fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.


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