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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The kinder stars have decreed that you shall be wealthy and happy. Unfortunately, the far more numerous malevolent stars have decided to send an out-of-control bus screaming toward you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The AMA can say whatever it wants about accidents, but you're still not convinced that a surgeon could leave so many scalpels, magazine subscription cards, and cigarette butts in your abdomen by mistake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your long uphill battle for self-improvement will founder once again when you find yourself thinking that some reality television shows are actually pretty good.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never really been concerned with the plight of the giant panda, but that was before you found out about panda porn.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Authorities investigating the high teen suicide rate in your area will finally put two and two together and ask you to stop attending high-school career days.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You cannot fathom the mysteries of the human heart, so just sit back and enjoy their chewy texture and meaty savor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Satan's not sure where you got such a dramatic picture of Hell, but if you don't get an apron on and sell that eight-top some hot wings tout de suite, he'll bust you down to infernal dishwasher.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find it surprisingly difficult to tell your parents that you're gay, especially considering that it's just part of a scheme to give them heart attacks and collect their life insurance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your place is becoming the central gathering spot for everyone in the neighborhood to just hang out and do whatever, which would be nice if you actually knew any of these people.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After he's finally finished, the new, re-imagined Smokey the Bear will hang your gnawed rib cage from his Tree of One Thousand Bones as a reminder that only you can prevent the horror that is forest fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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