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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll waste years of your life and your entire life savings on the mistaken assumption that people don't mind driving a few miles out of their way for a really top-notch handjob.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The booming illegal ivory trade will continue to make life hellishly stressful for people like you with unusually prominent and oddly-shaped collarbones.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars realize it's just a highly unusual birthmark, but you can't blame normal people for thinking you had the Trans Am "screaming chicken" tattooed on your infant daughter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All your hard work will soon pay off, as the powers that be are so pleased with you that they're planning to transfer you from your current backwater hellhole to someplace even worse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn far too late to be careful what you wish for when the ponies, sailboat, and baby brother you wanted back when you were 7 suddenly appear in your living room this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Finding comfortable formal footwear will become unnecessarily complicated this week when you're waited on by the self-styled Harlem Globetrotters of Trying on Shoes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's true that sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, but maybe using the crosscut saw was a little much.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought your wireless Bluetooth- capable pregnancy tester was the worst idea anyone had ever had, but that was before someone decided to open up a Hooter's in Oman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Selling your life story to Hollywood for less than $300 was demeaning enough, but now they're saying that Paul Giamatti may not be sufficiently dumpy to play you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll provide an interesting footnote to the history of international turmoil when, due to a complicated series of mistranslations and corrupt ballots, you inadvertently seize control of Italy for four blood-soaked days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You and your spouse will be informed that, tragically, you can only keep one of the triplets, and that it'll cost an extra grand for even the one to stay all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate you will get free shipping on any order over $100 if you type in the special code "horosavings" before pushing the checkout button.

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