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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll waste years of your life and your entire life savings on the mistaken assumption that people don't mind driving a few miles out of their way for a really top-notch handjob.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The booming illegal ivory trade will continue to make life hellishly stressful for people like you with unusually prominent and oddly-shaped collarbones.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars realize it's just a highly unusual birthmark, but you can't blame normal people for thinking you had the Trans Am "screaming chicken" tattooed on your infant daughter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All your hard work will soon pay off, as the powers that be are so pleased with you that they're planning to transfer you from your current backwater hellhole to someplace even worse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn far too late to be careful what you wish for when the ponies, sailboat, and baby brother you wanted back when you were 7 suddenly appear in your living room this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Finding comfortable formal footwear will become unnecessarily complicated this week when you're waited on by the self-styled Harlem Globetrotters of Trying on Shoes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's true that sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, but maybe using the crosscut saw was a little much.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought your wireless Bluetooth- capable pregnancy tester was the worst idea anyone had ever had, but that was before someone decided to open up a Hooter's in Oman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Selling your life story to Hollywood for less than $300 was demeaning enough, but now they're saying that Paul Giamatti may not be sufficiently dumpy to play you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll provide an interesting footnote to the history of international turmoil when, due to a complicated series of mistranslations and corrupt ballots, you inadvertently seize control of Italy for four blood-soaked days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You and your spouse will be informed that, tragically, you can only keep one of the triplets, and that it'll cost an extra grand for even the one to stay all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate you will get free shipping on any order over $100 if you type in the special code "horosavings" before pushing the checkout button.

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