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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll waste years of your life and your entire life savings on the mistaken assumption that people don't mind driving a few miles out of their way for a really top-notch handjob.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The booming illegal ivory trade will continue to make life hellishly stressful for people like you with unusually prominent and oddly-shaped collarbones.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars realize it's just a highly unusual birthmark, but you can't blame normal people for thinking you had the Trans Am "screaming chicken" tattooed on your infant daughter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All your hard work will soon pay off, as the powers that be are so pleased with you that they're planning to transfer you from your current backwater hellhole to someplace even worse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn far too late to be careful what you wish for when the ponies, sailboat, and baby brother you wanted back when you were 7 suddenly appear in your living room this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Finding comfortable formal footwear will become unnecessarily complicated this week when you're waited on by the self-styled Harlem Globetrotters of Trying on Shoes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's true that sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, but maybe using the crosscut saw was a little much.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought your wireless Bluetooth- capable pregnancy tester was the worst idea anyone had ever had, but that was before someone decided to open up a Hooter's in Oman.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Selling your life story to Hollywood for less than $300 was demeaning enough, but now they're saying that Paul Giamatti may not be sufficiently dumpy to play you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll provide an interesting footnote to the history of international turmoil when, due to a complicated series of mistranslations and corrupt ballots, you inadvertently seize control of Italy for four blood-soaked days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You and your spouse will be informed that, tragically, you can only keep one of the triplets, and that it'll cost an extra grand for even the one to stay all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate you will get free shipping on any order over $100 if you type in the special code "horosavings" before pushing the checkout button.

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