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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and 2 million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America's fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enacters.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You would in fact leave for Canada right this minute if it didn't mean leaving the only nation on earth with the vision to teach squirrels to water-ski.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Americans are tired of politics as usual but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It really won't do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be held accountable for the needless death of thousands of Americans just days after composing an irresistably catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Stop telling people you have "a unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll have a hard time convincing the Treasury Department that you weren't attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor changes.

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