adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close