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Vol 43 Issue 28

Lap Of Luxury

The Litter genie gives your cat the sophistication its been missing.

July 17, 1977

President Calls for Calm Following Nipple Sighting on Farrah Fawcett Poster
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
  • Libra

    Libra

    An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
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