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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Trained heart surgeons will patiently point out the fallacy implicit in your belief that there's no such thing as a loser in a bacon-eating contest.