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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Trained heart surgeons will patiently point out the fallacy implicit in your belief that there's no such thing as a loser in a bacon-eating contest.


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