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Vol 43 Issue 29

Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry

John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, is currently being investigated for anonymously posting to Yahoo investment groups about Wild Oats, which his...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Innovation

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
  • Leo

    Leo

    While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Trained heart surgeons will patiently point out the fallacy implicit in your belief that there's no such thing as a loser in a bacon-eating contest.
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