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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Love is in the air this week...or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster's Dictionary for your birthday.
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