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Vol 43 Issue 30

Farewell, Weekly World News

Weekly World News, home to columnist Ed Anger and exclusive coverage of Bat Boy, will cease publication as of August 3. What do you...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Love is in the air this week...or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster's Dictionary for your birthday.
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