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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Love is in the air this week...or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster's Dictionary for your birthday.

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