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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.

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