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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.

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