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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.

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