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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now…come on…put that brownie down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.

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