Aries | March 21 to April 19
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now
put that brownie down.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.