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Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now…come on…put that brownie down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.

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