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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now…come on…put that brownie down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.

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