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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be afraid to take risks and try new and unpredictable things this week. Instead, be very afraid.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally get the recognition you deserve, when some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Malicious Sarcasm honor you this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes in life you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward, unless of course you have enough self-respect to stop line dancing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Continue starving yourself until your psychotic obsession to be thin is resolved.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your world-weary pessimism will only increase this week when you suddenly go from seeing the glass half empty to seeing no glass at all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A forbidden office romance will soon take you by storm, leaving the Xerox Corporation scrambling to create a less sleek and attractive looking copier.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Listen to you body this week—it may be trying to tell you something. Such as, "Please! For the love of God and everything that's good! Put me back together!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Before you file that toothbrush down into a makeshift shiv, ask yourself what's more important: To be free again in the world, or to maintain good dental hygiene?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A spiritually fulfilling encounter will instead leave you feeling empty and alone this week when you find Jesus lying face down in a ditch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Too many cooks spoil the broth, or as the 200-member International Adage Council recently put it, "A lot of chefs taint the consommé."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While you've long thought of yourself as a tolerant individual, the sight of someone whose skin is not the same color as yours will soon bring the belief into question.

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