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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be afraid to take risks and try new and unpredictable things this week. Instead, be very afraid.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally get the recognition you deserve, when some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Malicious Sarcasm honor you this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes in life you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward, unless of course you have enough self-respect to stop line dancing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Continue starving yourself until your psychotic obsession to be thin is resolved.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your world-weary pessimism will only increase this week when you suddenly go from seeing the glass half empty to seeing no glass at all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A forbidden office romance will soon take you by storm, leaving the Xerox Corporation scrambling to create a less sleek and attractive looking copier.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Listen to you body this week—it may be trying to tell you something. Such as, "Please! For the love of God and everything that's good! Put me back together!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Before you file that toothbrush down into a makeshift shiv, ask yourself what's more important: To be free again in the world, or to maintain good dental hygiene?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A spiritually fulfilling encounter will instead leave you feeling empty and alone this week when you find Jesus lying face down in a ditch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Too many cooks spoil the broth, or as the 200-member International Adage Council recently put it, "A lot of chefs taint the consommé."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While you've long thought of yourself as a tolerant individual, the sight of someone whose skin is not the same color as yours will soon bring the belief into question.