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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be afraid to take risks and try new and unpredictable things this week. Instead, be very afraid.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally get the recognition you deserve, when some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Malicious Sarcasm honor you this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes in life you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward, unless of course you have enough self-respect to stop line dancing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Continue starving yourself until your psychotic obsession to be thin is resolved.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your world-weary pessimism will only increase this week when you suddenly go from seeing the glass half empty to seeing no glass at all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A forbidden office romance will soon take you by storm, leaving the Xerox Corporation scrambling to create a less sleek and attractive looking copier.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Listen to you body this week—it may be trying to tell you something. Such as, "Please! For the love of God and everything that's good! Put me back together!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Before you file that toothbrush down into a makeshift shiv, ask yourself what's more important: To be free again in the world, or to maintain good dental hygiene?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A spiritually fulfilling encounter will instead leave you feeling empty and alone this week when you find Jesus lying face down in a ditch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Too many cooks spoil the broth, or as the 200-member International Adage Council recently put it, "A lot of chefs taint the consommé."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While you've long thought of yourself as a tolerant individual, the sight of someone whose skin is not the same color as yours will soon bring the belief into question.

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