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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't be afraid to take risks and try new and unpredictable things this week. Instead, be very afraid.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally get the recognition you deserve, when some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Malicious Sarcasm honor you this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes in life you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward, unless of course you have enough self-respect to stop line dancing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Continue starving yourself until your psychotic obsession to be thin is resolved.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your world-weary pessimism will only increase this week when you suddenly go from seeing the glass half empty to seeing no glass at all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A forbidden office romance will soon take you by storm, leaving the Xerox Corporation scrambling to create a less sleek and attractive looking copier.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Listen to you body this week—it may be trying to tell you something. Such as, "Please! For the love of God and everything that's good! Put me back together!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Before you file that toothbrush down into a makeshift shiv, ask yourself what's more important: To be free again in the world, or to maintain good dental hygiene?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A spiritually fulfilling encounter will instead leave you feeling empty and alone this week when you find Jesus lying face down in a ditch.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Too many cooks spoil the broth, or as the 200-member International Adage Council recently put it, "A lot of chefs taint the consommé."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While you've long thought of yourself as a tolerant individual, the sight of someone whose skin is not the same color as yours will soon bring the belief into question.
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