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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is a good week to surround yourself with friends and loved ones, although you should probably still wear a bulletproof vest, just to be on the safe side.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it certainly takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, it takes even more guts to sit back down for what you're willing to tolerate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As you'll soon discover, it's amazing what the human body is capable of when it really doesn't want to have sex with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again, and take it out on your family.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you often claim that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, those afflicted with cerebral palsy will continue to disagree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Take all those people who were counting on you not to screw things up, for instance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will fly into a psychotic, alcohol-fueled rage this Thursday moments after sobering up a bit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your existence often seems to be nothing more than one big practical joke, there may in fact be some higher purpose to all those whoopee cushions you've been sitting on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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