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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is a good week to surround yourself with friends and loved ones, although you should probably still wear a bulletproof vest, just to be on the safe side.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it certainly takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, it takes even more guts to sit back down for what you're willing to tolerate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As you'll soon discover, it's amazing what the human body is capable of when it really doesn't want to have sex with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again, and take it out on your family.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you often claim that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, those afflicted with cerebral palsy will continue to disagree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Take all those people who were counting on you not to screw things up, for instance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will fly into a psychotic, alcohol-fueled rage this Thursday moments after sobering up a bit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your existence often seems to be nothing more than one big practical joke, there may in fact be some higher purpose to all those whoopee cushions you've been sitting on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.


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