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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is a good week to surround yourself with friends and loved ones, although you should probably still wear a bulletproof vest, just to be on the safe side.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it certainly takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, it takes even more guts to sit back down for what you're willing to tolerate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As you'll soon discover, it's amazing what the human body is capable of when it really doesn't want to have sex with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again, and take it out on your family.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you often claim that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, those afflicted with cerebral palsy will continue to disagree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Take all those people who were counting on you not to screw things up, for instance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will fly into a psychotic, alcohol-fueled rage this Thursday moments after sobering up a bit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your existence often seems to be nothing more than one big practical joke, there may in fact be some higher purpose to all those whoopee cushions you've been sitting on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.

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