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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is a good week to surround yourself with friends and loved ones, although you should probably still wear a bulletproof vest, just to be on the safe side.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it certainly takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, it takes even more guts to sit back down for what you're willing to tolerate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As you'll soon discover, it's amazing what the human body is capable of when it really doesn't want to have sex with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again, and take it out on your family.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you often claim that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, those afflicted with cerebral palsy will continue to disagree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Take all those people who were counting on you not to screw things up, for instance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will fly into a psychotic, alcohol-fueled rage this Thursday moments after sobering up a bit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your existence often seems to be nothing more than one big practical joke, there may in fact be some higher purpose to all those whoopee cushions you've been sitting on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.

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