Aries | March 21 to April 19
Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This is a good week to surround yourself with friends and loved ones, although you should probably still wear a bulletproof vest, just to be on the safe side.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While it certainly takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, it takes even more guts to sit back down for what you're willing to tolerate.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
As you'll soon discover, it's amazing what the human body is capable of when it really doesn't want to have sex with you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again, and take it out on your family.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While you often claim that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, those afflicted with cerebral palsy will continue to disagree.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Take all those people who were counting on you not to screw things up, for instance.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will fly into a psychotic, alcohol-fueled rage this Thursday moments after sobering up a bit.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though your existence often seems to be nothing more than one big practical joke, there may in fact be some higher purpose to all those whoopee cushions you've been sitting on.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
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