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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is a good week to surround yourself with friends and loved ones, although you should probably still wear a bulletproof vest, just to be on the safe side.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it certainly takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, it takes even more guts to sit back down for what you're willing to tolerate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As you'll soon discover, it's amazing what the human body is capable of when it really doesn't want to have sex with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again, and take it out on your family.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you often claim that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, those afflicted with cerebral palsy will continue to disagree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Take all those people who were counting on you not to screw things up, for instance.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will fly into a psychotic, alcohol-fueled rage this Thursday moments after sobering up a bit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your existence often seems to be nothing more than one big practical joke, there may in fact be some higher purpose to all those whoopee cushions you've been sitting on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.

More from this section

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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