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Vol 43 Issue 35

Senator Craig Arrested

Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested for lewd conduct at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport for allegedly attempting to cruise an undercover cop in a...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Leo

    Leo

    As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.
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