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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.
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