Aries | March 21 to April 19
The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.
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