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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.


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