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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.

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