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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

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