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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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