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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.