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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

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