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Vol 43 Issue 36

Number Of Blacks In Military Down

A Defense Department report states that the percentage of blacks among active-duty recruits fell from 20 percent to 13 percent since the Afghanistan...

Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better

ANAHEIM, CA—Despite a long history of unstable living arrangements, failed relationships, and an overall inability to get his shit together,...

Great College Football Traditions

College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.
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