Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.
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