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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at near supersonic speed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While there may never be a good time to lose a parent, the middle of your third trimester is probably the worst.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Agony and torment will soon be yours when a pack of wild dogs aggravate your dander allergy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sadly, the coming week will end for you much as it started: on Monday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Paranoid fears that the entire world is out to get you will be proven false this week when only the FBI, the CIA, seven state police departments, and an international task force agency are found to be on your trail.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don't be embarrassed: Nine-year-olds are allowed to make mistakes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While hard and fast rules are oftentimes overly simplistic and flawed, you cannot argue with the logic that whoever smelt it most likely also dealt it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A seemingly average morning will quickly turn terrifying when you can't remember getting into a pool of your own blood the night before.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person's heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed ax blow.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    By hook or by crook, you will crotchet yourself a matching scarf and hat this winter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally gain the respect of your peers this Thursday after hours spent begging for it on your hands and knees.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Looking back now, it's easy to see that hindsight is 20/20.

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