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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at near supersonic speed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While there may never be a good time to lose a parent, the middle of your third trimester is probably the worst.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Agony and torment will soon be yours when a pack of wild dogs aggravate your dander allergy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sadly, the coming week will end for you much as it started: on Monday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Paranoid fears that the entire world is out to get you will be proven false this week when only the FBI, the CIA, seven state police departments, and an international task force agency are found to be on your trail.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don't be embarrassed: Nine-year-olds are allowed to make mistakes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While hard and fast rules are oftentimes overly simplistic and flawed, you cannot argue with the logic that whoever smelt it most likely also dealt it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A seemingly average morning will quickly turn terrifying when you can't remember getting into a pool of your own blood the night before.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person's heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed ax blow.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    By hook or by crook, you will crotchet yourself a matching scarf and hat this winter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally gain the respect of your peers this Thursday after hours spent begging for it on your hands and knees.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Looking back now, it's easy to see that hindsight is 20/20.


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