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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at near supersonic speed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While there may never be a good time to lose a parent, the middle of your third trimester is probably the worst.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Agony and torment will soon be yours when a pack of wild dogs aggravate your dander allergy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sadly, the coming week will end for you much as it started: on Monday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Paranoid fears that the entire world is out to get you will be proven false this week when only the FBI, the CIA, seven state police departments, and an international task force agency are found to be on your trail.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don't be embarrassed: Nine-year-olds are allowed to make mistakes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While hard and fast rules are oftentimes overly simplistic and flawed, you cannot argue with the logic that whoever smelt it most likely also dealt it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A seemingly average morning will quickly turn terrifying when you can't remember getting into a pool of your own blood the night before.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person's heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed ax blow.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    By hook or by crook, you will crotchet yourself a matching scarf and hat this winter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally gain the respect of your peers this Thursday after hours spent begging for it on your hands and knees.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Looking back now, it's easy to see that hindsight is 20/20.

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