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Vol 43 Issue 38

Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked

After seven days of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of legendary rock producer Phil Spector said they were unable to reach a consensus....
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    A secret admirer will leave you an unexpected note this Thursday, tempting you with both his heartfelt prose and impressive lock- picking skills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Don't bother trying to describe the merciless beating you will soon receive at the hands of a crowbar-wielding psychopath. The look on your face will say it all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your love for women of all shapes and sizes will only grow this week when you fail to completely blow up that inflatable doll.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A wise man once said, "The cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek." But then, it's more the way he said it than anything else.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled from its socket.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say it takes a thief to spot a thief, which may explain why you're so good at picking out people who receive sexual pleasure from being urinated on.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Remember: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and the whole world laughs at you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars indicate that it's time to lose those love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While many condemn you for choosing to get an abortion, the personal courage you showed in making the difficult decision would likely have made your son or daughter very proud.
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