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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A secret admirer will leave you an unexpected note this Thursday, tempting you with both his heartfelt prose and impressive lock- picking skills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't bother trying to describe the merciless beating you will soon receive at the hands of a crowbar-wielding psychopath. The look on your face will say it all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your love for women of all shapes and sizes will only grow this week when you fail to completely blow up that inflatable doll.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A wise man once said, "The cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek." But then, it's more the way he said it than anything else.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled from its socket.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say it takes a thief to spot a thief, which may explain why you're so good at picking out people who receive sexual pleasure from being urinated on.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and the whole world laughs at you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that it's time to lose those love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While many condemn you for choosing to get an abortion, the personal courage you showed in making the difficult decision would likely have made your son or daughter very proud.
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