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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A secret admirer will leave you an unexpected note this Thursday, tempting you with both his heartfelt prose and impressive lock- picking skills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't bother trying to describe the merciless beating you will soon receive at the hands of a crowbar-wielding psychopath. The look on your face will say it all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your love for women of all shapes and sizes will only grow this week when you fail to completely blow up that inflatable doll.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A wise man once said, "The cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek." But then, it's more the way he said it than anything else.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled from its socket.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say it takes a thief to spot a thief, which may explain why you're so good at picking out people who receive sexual pleasure from being urinated on.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and the whole world laughs at you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that it's time to lose those love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While many condemn you for choosing to get an abortion, the personal courage you showed in making the difficult decision would likely have made your son or daughter very proud.


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