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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A secret admirer will leave you an unexpected note this Thursday, tempting you with both his heartfelt prose and impressive lock- picking skills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't bother trying to describe the merciless beating you will soon receive at the hands of a crowbar-wielding psychopath. The look on your face will say it all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your love for women of all shapes and sizes will only grow this week when you fail to completely blow up that inflatable doll.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A wise man once said, "The cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek." But then, it's more the way he said it than anything else.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled from its socket.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say it takes a thief to spot a thief, which may explain why you're so good at picking out people who receive sexual pleasure from being urinated on.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and the whole world laughs at you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that it's time to lose those love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While many condemn you for choosing to get an abortion, the personal courage you showed in making the difficult decision would likely have made your son or daughter very proud.

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