Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when your death is so unexpected and tragic that it lives on in the mind of fear-seized men for centuries to come.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, it's probably time you started accepting some from generous passersby.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will realize who your real friends are this week when a local doctor finally prescribes you some much-needed antipsychotics.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel especially apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Drained both physically and emotionally, you will find comfort this week in the arms of a rather spacious leather couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Postcoital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really beginning to annoy your partner.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close