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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when your death is so unexpected and tragic that it lives on in the mind of fear-seized men for centuries to come.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, it's probably time you started accepting some from generous passersby.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will realize who your real friends are this week when a local doctor finally prescribes you some much-needed antipsychotics.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel especially apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Drained both physically and emotionally, you will find comfort this week in the arms of a rather spacious leather couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Postcoital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really beginning to annoy your partner.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.
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