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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when your death is so unexpected and tragic that it lives on in the mind of fear-seized men for centuries to come.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, it's probably time you started accepting some from generous passersby.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will realize who your real friends are this week when a local doctor finally prescribes you some much-needed antipsychotics.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel especially apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Drained both physically and emotionally, you will find comfort this week in the arms of a rather spacious leather couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Postcoital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really beginning to annoy your partner.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.

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