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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life will continue to feel like a juggling act this week when you're forced to balance work, family, three plastic rings, a bowling pin, one of those soft juggling balls, two chainsaws, and nursing school.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your body language will once again give you away this week, leaving little doubt as to whether or not you're suffering a seizure.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of earning a living on your back, you'll be amazed this Friday by just how much you can bring in on your stomach.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience an almost Pavlovian response this week when the mere mention of classical conditioning and other behavioral experiments leaves you instantly bored.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While many may claim that you've changed, you still put your pants on like everyone else: one prosthetic leg at a time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have a tough time putting this Thursday's shocking scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad around for.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Much to your surprise, a meal prepared with hate, regret, and unflinching resentment will soon leave your kids begging for seconds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week you will once again pray exactly 243 times for God to heal you of your obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, caution you this week against coming a-knockin' if the trailer is indeed rockin'.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon learn that patience—the ability to endure prolonged delays without becoming annoyed, upset, or even frustrated, especially when unnecessary holdups and long, drawn-out, time-consuming interruptions seem as trivial as they are trying—is a virtue.

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