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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life will continue to feel like a juggling act this week when you're forced to balance work, family, three plastic rings, a bowling pin, one of those soft juggling balls, two chainsaws, and nursing school.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your body language will once again give you away this week, leaving little doubt as to whether or not you're suffering a seizure.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of earning a living on your back, you'll be amazed this Friday by just how much you can bring in on your stomach.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience an almost Pavlovian response this week when the mere mention of classical conditioning and other behavioral experiments leaves you instantly bored.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While many may claim that you've changed, you still put your pants on like everyone else: one prosthetic leg at a time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have a tough time putting this Thursday's shocking scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad around for.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Much to your surprise, a meal prepared with hate, regret, and unflinching resentment will soon leave your kids begging for seconds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week you will once again pray exactly 243 times for God to heal you of your obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, caution you this week against coming a-knockin' if the trailer is indeed rockin'.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon learn that patience—the ability to endure prolonged delays without becoming annoyed, upset, or even frustrated, especially when unnecessary holdups and long, drawn-out, time-consuming interruptions seem as trivial as they are trying—is a virtue.


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