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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life will continue to feel like a juggling act this week when you're forced to balance work, family, three plastic rings, a bowling pin, one of those soft juggling balls, two chainsaws, and nursing school.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your body language will once again give you away this week, leaving little doubt as to whether or not you're suffering a seizure.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of earning a living on your back, you'll be amazed this Friday by just how much you can bring in on your stomach.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience an almost Pavlovian response this week when the mere mention of classical conditioning and other behavioral experiments leaves you instantly bored.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While many may claim that you've changed, you still put your pants on like everyone else: one prosthetic leg at a time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have a tough time putting this Thursday's shocking scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad around for.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Much to your surprise, a meal prepared with hate, regret, and unflinching resentment will soon leave your kids begging for seconds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week you will once again pray exactly 243 times for God to heal you of your obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, caution you this week against coming a-knockin' if the trailer is indeed rockin'.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon learn that patience—the ability to endure prolonged delays without becoming annoyed, upset, or even frustrated, especially when unnecessary holdups and long, drawn-out, time-consuming interruptions seem as trivial as they are trying—is a virtue.

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