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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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