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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.

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