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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.

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