Aries | March 21 to April 19
While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
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