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Vol 43 Issue 41

Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

After an absence of nearly two weeks in which his whereabouts were largely unknown, Robert W. Levy, mayor of Atlantic City, NJ, returned to office...

Piping-Hot Calzone Missing

WEST ORANGE, NJ—"It was right here a second ago," said the owner of the sizzling Italian sandwich, which was last seen in the office break room at approximately 1 p.m.

Police Tasers Deemed Safe

A recent independent study determined that Tasers are generally safe in the hands of the police. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."
  • Libra

    Libra

    The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
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